Connection: The Glue That Holds Couples Together
We have managed to keep ourselves busier than ever. As a result, we need connection now more than ever in our intimate partner relationships. The aftermath of the pandemic has changed how we live our daily lives, but the one thing that has yet to change is our desire to have a satisfying relationship.
The couples I work with come into therapy for all kinds of reasons. No matter why they come in for help in their relationship, at some point, they will hear me say, "Connection is the glue that holds you together." When couples find themselves in relationship distress, feeling like they are more roommates than lovers, or notice they are more like passing ships in the night, they find themselves with more emotional distance and feeling disconnected from each other. As humans, we long for a safe and secure relationship with our partners, and the connection is at the core of our need to feel the love we desire.
When working with couples, I often hear, "Where do we even start to find connection again? The answer lies in seeking relationship connection in the everyday little things and the extraordinary gestures that stand out. Both matter when it comes to your relationship. It is not only a special night out or a weekend getaway, but also the small interactions of the day, a good hug, a small gesture, which all say, "I'm thinking about you, and I love you."
In Dr. John Gottman's research on couples, he identified an essential dynamic that healthy and emotionally intelligent couples exercise: turning toward one another. Turning toward is a subtle or brief positive exchange that deepens a couple's emotional connection. As partners turn toward each other, they place what Gottman calls a "bid" for connection with their partner. These bids for connection can be verbal or non-verbal: reaching out for affection, offering support, using humor, giving affirmations, showing interest, expressing concerns, or giving undivided attention. We might not even be aware that our partner is bidding for a connection, so it is crucial to understand and recognize that your partner is turning toward you, desiring a connection. It is equally important that you reciprocate by turning toward them as well.
Here are two examples of a partners bid for connection:
Bid: "How was your day? Guess what happened today at work…."
Meaning: I enjoy talking with you. I need to talk about my day as well.
Bid: "I've always wanted to go hiking up north. Wouldn't it be fun to enjoy the trails and appreciate the views together?"
Meaning: I like doing new things with you. Let's go on an adventure together!
Examples of turning toward versus turning away:
Turning Toward Response: "My day was good! It sounds like you might need to talk about your day and take off some stress…"
Turning Away Response: "My day was good." (Continues to read the paper as a non-verbal cue, misses the chance to connect).
The bottom line is to become aware and stay curious about how your partner attempts to bid for a connection with you. You want to ensure you get a bid for connection from your partner!
One last thing to offer you a little relationship connection superglue as we approach summer. Here are a few examples of turning toward your partner in everyday experiences:
Greeting each other at the end of the day to check-in.
Cooking a meal together at home or, better yet, dessert!
Setting the dinner table to create space for a romantic dinner at home with takeout from your favorite restaurant.
Enjoy a new tv series together (hint: get close on the couch; disconnect from phones!)
During the workday, text your partner to let them know you are thinking of them.
Enjoy a walk to connect about the day, or start a summer sport together and get outside!
I hope this sparks excitement and inspires creativity in those small and big moments to connect in your relationship. If you feel your relationship is struggling and you are having trouble reaching an emotional connection, you are not alone, and there is always hope that you can find your way back to each other. At Luminate Therapy, we love helping couples get started towards a meaningful, satisfying relationship you both desire!
Contact Luminate Therapy for a free 15 minute consultation or schedule your first appointment towards healing and change you desire most in your relationship.
