Affair Recovery: The Three Stages To Healing Your Relationship

An affair has happened. When a couple experiences infidelity, knowing where to turn for help can be difficult. However, one option that has proven effective for many relationships is couples therapy. Not only can therapy help rebuild trust and improve communication, but it can also provide a safe space for both partners to express their feelings and work through their emotions together. Through relationship therapy, couples can better understand each other and develop the tools to move forward and heal after an affair.

In couples therapy, three critical stages are crucial for affair or infidelity recovery in relationships for healing. Researchers Drs. John and Julie Gottman have discovered what couples need in three phases for affair recovery- atonement, attunement, and attachment. Let's dive into what these phases approach in couples therapy.

Phases Of Affair Recovery

When an affair has come to light in your relationship, an initial shock and disbelief bring deep emotions that send your relationship into crisis. Most couples can't believe this is where their relationship or marriage is and are uncertain how to resolve the complexity after the affair. The research from The Gottman Institute tells us that couples need to move through these phases to successfully heal and recover their relationship after infidelity has entered their relationship.

Phase 1: Atonement

There is power in atonement. When we make mistakes or wrong others, we must take responsibility for our actions and do what we can to make things right. A sincere apology and efforts to make amends can go a long way in repairing relationships and restoring trust. It may not always be easy, but it is necessary for growth and healing.

So what exactly is atonement? Atonement is the act of making amends for wrongdoing. It involves taking responsibility for one's actions and seeking forgiveness from those who feel betrayed. Atonement can be challenging and humbling, but repairing damaged relationships and restoring trust is necessary. It requires a sincere effort to understand the impact of one's actions and to take steps to make things right. Ultimately, atonement is about acknowledging the harm the affair created and taking action to make things better.

The Atonement Phase of couples therapy allows the truth to emerge over time, and big emotions such as guilt, shame, anger, and fear appear. Allowing the truth to come out takes time and lasts as long as needed. Often, the betrayed partner has many questions, and the betrayer partner isn't sure how to respond to them or how much they should say. There is a balance for both of you here. The betrayed partner is curious about how much they want to know and how much they can handle. The betrayer partner is unsure what their partner can take and fears sharing too many details, complicating honesty.

Phase 2: Attunement

The Attunement Phase in affair recovery is the opportunity for the couple to look at what wasn't working in the marriage that may have contributed to an affair coming into the marriage or relationship. By now, the betrayer partner has atoned and taken full responsibility for the action of the affair and how it has affected the relationship and stepping outside of the marriage (or committed relationship) to get their needs met from another relationship.

In couples therapy, attunement helps couples to connect emotionally and tune in to understand each other's emotions and points of view with empathy. Learning attunement in therapy helps you learn the skills to listen actively and understand your partner's feelings without pushing your agenda.

Phase 3: Attachment

The attachment phase deepens intimate trust and commitment to the relationship, including intimate conversations and physical intimacy. In this phase, we are strengthening the sexual relationship by building a closer connection in the relationship. We are building loyalty and shared meaning in the relationship, producing more gratitude and less resentment from the affair event. For trust to develop and continue in the relationship, it is crucial to attach, move beyond the hurt, and use honest communication. We are building the marriage post-affair and want it to be better than before the infidelity happened. Successful attachment in your relationship, the triggers and trauma from the affair will decrease, there will be less hurt and pain, trust is thriving, and emotional and physical intimacy is growing. Once the attachment phase is complete, couples can move towards completing therapy which includes relapse prevention and understanding how to use what they have learned to handle situations that comes into the relationship.

Healing Is Possible

Experiencing an affair is painful in any relationship or marriage. You can find healing in your relationship by starting couples therapy to work through the three phases of atonement, attunement, and attachment. The benefit of choosing couples therapy after an affair has come into your relationship or marriage is challenging, and healing is possible. Working through the three phases can help you heal and understand how you got here after an affair, and it can equip you to boost your relationship even stronger than before. Couples therapy after an affair will also help you with communication, conflict resolution skills, and emotional and physical connection and improve your overall relationship satisfaction.

Couples Therapy in Minneapolis for Affairs & Infidelity Recovery

Has an affair come into your relationship or marriage? Healing your relationship is possible.

Contact Luminate Therapy today and for a free confidential 15 minute consultation or schedule your first session today for couples counseling.

We offer specialized couples therapy trained in The Gottman Method of Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to help you work through infidelity, affairs, attachment injury, and other betrayals in your relationship or marriage. I look forward to working with you and helping you through healing and getting the love you desire most.

Offering therapy with couples and relationships in Minnesota and Wisconsin.