The Imbalance of Emotional Labor In Couple Relationships
What is emotional labor in a relationship?
Emotional labor (and who's doing it) is a critical factor in what makes a successful and happy relationship. Emotional labor is the unpaid, invisible work we do to keep those around us comfortable and happy. It is the amount of emotional energy to keep a relationship going. It includes carrying a disproportionately large load of emotional labor within your relationship. Think of it as the energy it keeps to manage your emotions, manage your partner's emotions, and ensure everyone is happy.
As a couples therapist in Minneapolis, this conversation often pops up between partners as they navigate communication and enter difficult conversations that often lead to unresolved conflict. The imbalance of emotional labor ultimately kills relationships between couples, and shifting the balance of emotional labor is possible once there is awareness that the problem exists.
“No relationship is equal or equitable all the time. With emotional labor there can always be more balance.” -Jeana Wescott LMFT, Minneapolis Relationship Therapist
What does emotional labor imbalance mean in relationships?
When we talk about a partner taking on more emotional labor, we are not just talking about cleaning up the kitchen more often. It means caring for, supporting, and enhancing the emotional lives of everyone in the household.
Who gets up with kids in the middle of the night?
Who makes the doctor's appointments and manages the schedules?
Who makes sure the house is supplied with essentials?
Who is "holding down the fort" when the other partner struggles at work (or working late)?
In most relationships, especially those with children, one person tends to do most of the emotional labor. In heterosexual relationships, women are still disproportionately responsible for the emotional labor of the family. Therefore, this means there's usually insufficient bandwidth for women to care for themselves or do what they find meaningful. Most importantly, this leads to dissatisfaction in the relationship, which can lead to resentment, not wanting to have sex, depression, anxiety, and physical exhaustion.
Signs You're Doing The Emotional Labor In Your Relationship
Feeling you have to compromise your boundaries or needs more than your partner does
There is a mismatch in support giving: listening to your partner's emotions without reciprocating
You are the one who is responsible for ensuring all the household tasks get done or to pick up the slack
You are feeling emotionally exhausted by enduring the emotional labor for too long
Feeling like your partner doesn't care or is uninterested in putting in as much effort in the relationship
You know the schedule for your partner (and family) at all times, whereas your partner does not
You feel like if you don't do it, it will never get done
You are more likely the one to initiate talking things out after a fight
Expectations that you are to tend to the emotional needs of the kids while your partner isn't
What can you do about the imbalance in your relationship?
If you feel an emotional imbalance in your relationship, identify it as a problem. Talk to your partner about how you feel.
Be curious why this is happening and what is driving the behavior. Ask questions to seek better understanding and remember you are the team to find the solution. Together.
Share what you want and need with your partner, including your desire for change.
Know and understand your boundaries that need to be honored.
Men: Take action when necessary and be a caretaker of the emotional bond between you and your partner.
Women: Don't try to control or micromanage your partner towards the desired change in the relationship.
Be open to finding a middle ground and a new way of managing the emotional labor together in a way that works for both of you.
Seek couples therapy or marriage counseling for more support to help you both learn to communicate about the emotional labor imbalance in your relationship.
Stepping up and leaning into shared emotional labor can look like this:
Contribute in constructive ways
Check-in (How are you doing today?)
Show and express appreciation towards your partner
Take care of things in your life (for example, doctor appointments) without having your spouse remind you
Doing acts of service with intention
Doing acts without being asked
If you feel there is an imbalance of emotional labor in your relationship and it is causing dissatisfaction, contact us for couples therapy. At Luminate Therapy in Minneapolis, we love helping couples find healing and learn to thrive with relationship satisfaction. We offer in office relationship therapy at our Golden Valley, MN office and Telehealth anywhere in Minnesota or Wisconsin.
